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  • AfroDaddy

When new dads don't adore their new baby

I've had a few conversations with dads that have had the same theme: "When my baby arrived I felt nothing".

All these dads had so much in common, and yet they all felt like that their experiences were strange and UNcommon - which means we need to talk about it more!

This video dispels the myths of that moment when a man first becomes a father.

You can read the transcript to the video below!

Okay. There is something that is very concerning, that a lot of dads are experiencing, but not talking about. And it's time we talk about it. You're watching Afro daddy. Hey, that's my dad.

Hey there. Welcome to Afro daddy. Hardy does are the noisiest birds in the world. So over the past few years, I've had several similar conversations with different dads about their first experiences of meeting their. And a lot of these stories have a very similar theme, which is quite concerning.

Basically a lot of these dads have told me that they didn't experience all the joy and emotion that they thought they would experience in that moment. And to understand that I have to explain what the Hollywood version of that moment would look like when. First meets his child because in the movies, the dad receives the baby and he's fighting back all of the emotions and maybe one tear slips out and rolls down his cheek.

And he says something amazing and thought provoking, like everything I own is yours or something like that. And then there's a montage of him and his partner and the baby being a wonderful family forever and forever and forever. Now, if that actually was your real experience of meeting your child for the first time, Brilliant.

I'm not making fun of you. That's great. But that is a privilege that not many dads have had because for a lot of dads, the reality of that moment is actually a lot more anxiety inducing than the Hollywood version. This baby gets handed to you. And all of a sudden you realize that you are completely at responsible for keeping this child alive and.

You're worried about it's health. You're worried about the health of your partner. Maybe there's all these nurses and doctors and other people telling you what to do, what not to do. Maybe you haven't really thought about yourself as a father, yet you haven't done all of that work. And before you even have any time to really process all of those thoughts and emotions and anxieties, The baby's taken away from you and maybe given to the mom to start breastfeeding.

Now, obviously that's an appropriate thing to happen, but for the dad, it means that moment is really fleeting. And he doesn't have a lot of time to really process what is happening at an ad that the fact that more often than not dads don't have the real physical connection that most moms have with their children.

You know, they didn't physically grow the child. They're not breastfeeding the child, so there's not. Innate physical connection that can lead to the emotional connection. So a lot of these dads are saying that they didn't feel emotionally connected to their child right off the bat. Now that doesn't mean they didn't love the child in a way.

They knew what they needed to do out of a sense of duty and responsibility. And they wanted to do those things properly because they did care for the child and for the child's mother. But it wasn't something that just overflowed out of them in the way that they were expecting from the start. And you have to kind of put yourself in these dad's shoes, in that.

You are anticipating becoming a dad, you are thinking and hoping and planning to be this great father. And when the moment arrives, you feel like you've fallen short at the first hurdle. The imposter syndrome at that moment is really high. But the thing is, if you speak to these dads a little bit longer, you realize that after a few months, that feeling does arrive.

They do feel that innate emotional connection with their child that drives them to care and love the child even. That does arrive just not immediately. Sometimes it's when the baby first holds his hand tightly or he's had a really great day with her, or even when he gets that first giggle, something happens that clicks over and the dad gets it.

He gets the feeling that he's been wanting to get from the very beginning. Now here's a really sad thing. All of those dads didn't realize that what they were going through was fairly common because they didn't have other dads to speak to. No older dads had spoke to them about this thing, being a possibility.

So when it happened, they felt alone. They felt like they had failed. They felt like they was something wrong with me. But if only that had spoken to another dad that dad could have said, Hey man, I went through the same thing. Don't worry about it. You're gonna be fine. And this is why for the last five to six years after daddy has been preaching, the fact that dads need to be speaking more about the experiences of fatherhood in an honest and real way.

And I know that for a lot of dads speaking about fatherhood can feel like a very scary space. We're not really shown how to do it. And oftentimes when we do speak about our real experiences, we. Slammed on pretty hard by moms. It's true. So there aren't any kind of social structures in place to help dads process their first moments of fatherhood or their first few months of fatherhood, and to help them feel less alone.

And the thing that's really ironic about this is that the solution is super simple. If you are a dad, Who has been a dad for a few years now find newer dads to speak, to become their friends, become their mentors. If you will, in small ways, just to let them know that what they're going through, isn't unusual, or maybe you need to be the one to tell them that actually what they're going through is unusual and they need to get some sort of help.

Like they need support, maybe a therapist, maybe some other kind of training. And if you're not a dad, you can also help. It's very simple. Copy the link to this video and send it to a new dad or a young dad or a dad that you know is struggling with this. Sometimes, honestly, it could be that simple. So take the link, put it into your WhatsApp and send it to a new dad that you know right now I'll wait.

Okay. I have ADHD. I can't wait that long, but do it anyway. Finally, if you are a new dad and you are doubting yourself because you're not feeling the ways you thought you would. I'm telling you now you're gonna be okay. It's gonna happen. The fact that you're even worrying about this shows, what kind of dad you are and all of the good feelings and all of the things that you are hoping to feel it's gonna happen.

Just keep pushing through. I know you can do it. Thank you so much for watching this video. I'll catch you soon after daddy out. You're watching after daddy. Hey, love my dad. .

1 Comment

Rumbi Goredema Görgens
Rumbi Goredema Görgens
Sep 20, 2022

Thank you for this insightful piece. I am sure it will give lots very worried dads peace of mind to know that they're not alone in this.

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